BLUE JACKETS ANNOUNCE NEW SPONSORSHIP PARTNER (not really)
Nihilist Arby’s: Where your dreams go to die (like October for Blue Jackets fans)
(For those who are unaware, the inspiration for this comes from @nihilist_arbys which is hilarious, worth a read, and incredibly vulgar. You have been warned.)
We here at the Cannon were having a nice email thread when it took a turn and suddenly we were developing Nihilist Arby’s slogans for the Columbus Blue Jackets. So, without further ado, here are your Nihilist Columbus Blue Jackets!
Free apple turnover with every goalie change. Arby's and the Blue Jackets: Eat your feelings. (Matt Wagner)
Bloated payroll. Bloated contracts. Bloated stomachs. Clarkson, beef, and cheddar. Eat Arby's. (Dan P.)
We give turnovers like Dalton Prout. Arby's: like Prout's skating, you're lumbering slowly towards your inevitable death. (Pale Dragon)
Our gyro meat is as real as your Stanley Cup dreams. Arby's: feeding you lies like the front office.
Give up a goal. Realize none of it matters. All there is is the crushing abyss of the bottom of the standings. Arby's and the Blue Jackets: a match made in misery.
Skate. Skate. Skate. Blocked shots. Blocked arteries. All ends in pain and nothingness. Enjoy Arby's. (Dan P.)
Arby’s and the Blue Jackets: loaded with misery, sadness, and poor effort. Eat Arby’s.
How are Arby’s and the Blue Jackets similar? Both use outlandish marketing to convince people to buy our terrible products. Enjoy our curly fries with Jeff Rimer.
While struggling through Torts’ training camp, enjoy the comforting thought that it, like our food, is totally devoid of value. Arby’s: technically food.
Wake up. Find your sweater. Down some beef and cheddars. Stagger to the game. Realize that your hopes and dreams are all for naught. Contemplate why you care. Arby’s: even we’ll abandon you after a 4-1 loss.
Do you have an Arby’s slogan for the Blue Jackets? If so, share it in the comments. Or don’t. Arby’s will still enjoy feeding you gruel.