Be Your Best Jacket: A CBJ Halloween Guide
A quick primer on how best to dress up as your favorite Blue Jacket
Today’s Halloween! The holiday where you gorge on sweets, watch something spooky (like the first period of most Columbus Blue Jackets games this season) and dress up as something that’s either funny, scary or recognizable. You may be handing out candy tonight or heading out for a weeknight get-together. Want to dress up as a Columbus Blue Jacket? Here are a few ideas to make your costume as accurate as possible.
As the biggest Blue Jacket forward, stuff some towels or pillows under your shirt. Create some stubble with a pen. Show up to the party after it’s already started, but come through in the clutch by bringing some treats.
Smile nonstop. Have the party organizer designate you as host but hide out somewhere for first half of the night. You’ll figure it out eventually. Pose for some extremely awkward pictures. At the end of the night, hug with whoever comes as Sergei Bobrovsky while everyone files out the door.
Walk around on your knees. Connect your holiday lights to a battery and loop them around your mouth, replicating Cam’s 10,000-watt smile. Change your hairstyle throughout the night. Have more fun than anyone else.
Use some shoe polish to paint one heck of a shiner, first off. Next: Whatever you were supposed to bring, bring 10 times more. Oh, someone knocked over a vase? No problem, you’ll run out and get one better than that. Be the first to do anything. And you’ll do it all with a…well, not much of an expression, honestly. Complete the ensemble by knocking away all the shots you see guests taking.
Gotta go with a big bandage under a homemade kepi (just sit on a regular hat for awhile), with straw poking out. Move around as quickly as possible. Constantly look up at an imaginary video board and shake your head. Make sure you’re the first one at the party and the last to leave.
Get some friends to wear suits and walk around pointing all night. Rock a black V-neck tee. Make a sharp part in your hair. Act more reckless as the night goes on until you end up breaking something, loudly cursing the entire time.
Hope you have a curling iron. Only use the back of your hand all night. Bring and hand out some apple turnovers. Grab a wrapping paper tube and pretend to do stick tricks non-stop. Take selfies using only this expression.
Mat your hair down, and if you can scrounge up a police badge out of tinfoil, that’d be great. Don’t let anyone into the kitchen. Smile all the time. And get ready for that huge hug at the end of the night.
Make sure to bring loaf of bread and, if you’re of the drinking kind, some vodka. Play with the house dog and have everyone fawn over you. One word of caution: Everyone at the new place will expect you to carry them.
Wear glasses and suit. Crack some decent jokes. Curse a lot. Reflect on how you’ve messed up parties in years past. Take the host’s dog and care for it better than they ever could. After you get home, write every guest a letter explaining what they need to do next year.
Bring a guitar or some boxing gloves and spend all night telling everyone you’re “not that one.” Perform some jawline exercises like neck curlups or vowel practice to get that perfectly defined chin. Hit it off with someone after you’ve been there for a long time and had to listen to people talking smack about you most of the night.
You could never look that good. None of us could.